ArcaMax

$24.4 million.

That's how much Meta, the parent company of Facebook, spent to protect CEO Mark Zuckerberg in 2024. It's a lot of money, and it raises an uncomfortable question -- how much did your company spend to protect its most valuable employee, y-o-u?

Somewhat less than $24.4 million, I'm guessing.

If you are feeling unprotected and unloved, you're not alone. Cheapskate Alphabet only came up with $8.3 million to protect its CEO, while social media giant Snapchat barely scraped together a measly $2.8 million.

$2.8 million is not nothing, but it's a lot more than your company is spending on you.

It's a number I calculate as $0.0 million.

There's nothing funny about the very real threats faced by business executives, but there is something useful for your career. If your company hasn't yet realized how important you are to the success of the enterprise, here's an opportunity for you to show them.

It's simple, really. If you want to get noticed and promoted, hire a bodyguard.

Imagine the effect it will have on your co-workers when a beefy, steroid-enhanced brute stands next to your desk from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. each day. Consider the reaction of your manager when your personal, muscle-bound protector escorts you to staff meetings and glowers menacingly at anyone who tries to take a donut before you've made your choice. (Don't worry, if your manager wonders who on the executive committee approved the expense, they would never admit to being out of the loop.)

As for that expense, "hiring a somewhat reputable bodyguard on the cheap might cost as 'little' as $120,000 a year." Or so I learned in "How the Ultra-Wealthy Are Protecting Themselves Against Arson Attacks, Kidnapping and Worse," an article by Monica Hunter-Hart in Forbes.

$120K is a lot of money, but when you consider how much you'll be making after the sure-fire promotions that will occur once management sees how important someone thinks you are, well, paying for a somewhat reputable bodyguard on a somewhat reputable employee like yourself is an investment that will definitely pay off.

Plus, it could be tax-deductible!

According to Hunter-Hart, when personal security is part of an executive's compensation, "the U.S. tax code allows employees to write off that benefit as long as there's a demonstrable cause for safety concerns."

Considering your reputation as an A+ klutz who can get their hand caught in the office vending machine, trying to extract a package of Spicy Sweet Chili-Flavored Doritos, I doubt there is an IRS agent alive who would question a concern for your safety.

While the presence of a full-time bodyguard will do wonders in raising your profile as a VIP, it's not just physical threats that can be used to embellish your image. There are digital threats, as well.

This is exactly the excuse you'll use when called to explain why you have stopped sending -- or reading -- emails. Yes, your project is late. Indeed, you haven't even started it. But it isn't because you're a lazy underachiever; it's because you are focused on protecting the company's valuable digital data from hackers.

Another way to raise your profile is to start indulging in risky sports, many of which demand hiring trained security people to protect valuable body parts. Out of his own pocket, Zuckerberg pays for professionals to safeguard his extreme mountain biking and electric surfboarding. Of course, Zuck has a big pocket, but you can shell out -- and write off on your expense account -- the cost of additional bodyguards to protect you in your risky activities, like searching for the TV remote and falling off the couch.

If, despite the presence of your personal security team, management fails to recognize your importance to the company, consider a new career as a bodyguard. The barriers to entry are low. According to the founder of a risk management firm, all you need to do is "go buy a pair of sunglasses, and, for all intents and purposes, you look like an executive protection person."

You might also purchase a pair of Nikes. If your new employer is as annoying as your present employer, a day will come when they are in actual danger. You may decide to step up and protect them, but it's much more likely you'll run.

Not too speedy? Not a problem. Remember -- in running from a threat, you don't have to run faster than whoever is chasing your employer. You only have to run faster than your employer.

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Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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