ArcaMax

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year...and you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's ...Read more

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

"They live in a tin box ...Read more

And it came to pass that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said - "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said- "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on ...Read more

- Paradox, New York
- Crapo, Maryland
- Boogertown, North Carolina
- Spasticville, Kansas
- Hellhole, Idaho
- Purgatory, Maine
- Girdletree, Maryland
- Rabbithash, Kentucky

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for ...Read more

... continued from above

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last ...Read more

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have ...Read more

A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, and everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.

Then he noticed one item buried in ...Read more

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must ...Read more

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. How is it, then, that "I do," is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,...Read more

At 1 a.m. on a Sunday, I woke up to hear the new robot vacuum vacuuming. The next night I heard it whirring around again at 1 a.m., then Tuesday it was the same thing.

"What the heck is going on with that thing?" asked my husband as we heard the vacuum banging on our bedroom door to get in.

"Obviously, it wants to clean in here," I said, ...Read more

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price.

The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she's $28" Lady asks "well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28".

Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's...Read more

A Sunday school teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you believe in the Devil?"

"No," said Little Johnny. "It's the same as Santa Claus. I know it's my daddy."

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?"

"No," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Did you hear her tell someone ...Read more