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Dear Annie: I'm really struggling with how to handle my daughter's relationship. She's in her early 20s and is smart, funny and ambitious. I'm so proud of her. But I just can't seem to get behind her boyfriend.

He's not unkind, but he's ... aimless. He can't seem to hold down a steady job, he leans on her emotionally (and sometimes financially), and he doesn't seem to have any clear goals for the future. Meanwhile, she's working hard, finishing school and making plans -- and I'm worried he's dragging her down more than lifting her up.

I've tried bringing it up gently, but she gets defensive and insists I don't understand him. I've backed off because I don't want to damage our relationship, but I see how exhausted and stressed she's become since being with him. She's not quite herself these days, and that worries me more than anything.

I don't want to overstep or seem like the overbearing mom, but I also don't want to watch her give her heart -- and her energy -- to someone who might not be able to give much back. Is it OK to be honest with her? Or should I just stay quiet and hope she figures it out on her own? -- Trying to Stay Supportive

Dear Trying to Stay Supportive: It is hard to watch someone you love make choices you would not. But remember, this is her relationship to navigate. You have expressed your concerns gently, and that is enough for now.

What she needs most is to know you will be there, without judgment, if and when she sees things differently. Sometimes the best support is quiet presence, not persuasion.

Trust her to learn. Trust yourself to love her through it.

Dear Annie: Every Thanksgiving, my brother hosts the holiday meal -- at my house. He does most of the cooking, which I appreciate, but every year we end up in the same strange tug-of-war over the thermostat.

As soon as he starts bustling around the kitchen, he turns the heat down and switches on the ceiling fan. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there shivering in my own home, layered in a sweater and blanket while guests try to pretend they're not freezing. He says he gets too hot while cooking and needs the air circulating, but it's getting to the point where I dread bringing it up, because he brushes me off or laughs it off like I'm being dramatic.

I don't want to start a fight or make him feel unwelcome, especially since he's doing so much work, but I'm tired of freezing in my own home on a day that's supposed to feel warm and cozy. How can I set a boundary without turning Thanksgiving into a cold war? -- Chilled and Frustrated

Dear Chilled and Frustrated: It is generous of you to open your home and kind of your brother to cook, but hospitality should go both ways. If you are uncomfortable in your own house, it is perfectly reasonable to say so. Let him know ahead of time that while you appreciate his effort, the thermostat needs to stay at a level that keeps everyone, including you, comfortable. Suggest he dress in lighter clothing or take a few breaks to cool off.

Thanksgiving should bring warmth in spirit, not goosebumps from the cold.

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"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.